


xanny

by Heavydirtys0ul



Series: the billie eilish tapes [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol and drug abuse, Autistic!Logan, Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Suicide Attempt Mention, Toxic Friendships, alcohol use, homophobia mention, self harm mention, shitty parents, vent fic, violent tendancies mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 15:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18524338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/Heavydirtys0ul
Summary: Patton sits with his friends and wonders, when had they become like this?





	xanny

"I'm in their secondhand smoke,

still just drinking canned coke,

I don't need a xanny to feel better,"

-xanny, billie eilish

* * *

 

Logan's fingertips curl around the self-rolled cigarette with ease, the lit end burning in the night's air as smoke curls from his lips. Patton blinks for a moment. When they were younger, Logan used to be so in love with the world; so much to see and so much to do, so much life to live and he loved it in his own special way. He'd wake up early and be tapping on Patton's window, mother in tow as he cradles a rock he found on the pavement that Patton just _had_ to see. They all used to be in love with living, and now Patton had to watch his friends fall apart at 17 like a cruel joke. 

Virgil's head is resting on the table, exhausted from the cocktail of drugs that make up his personality, whilst Roman downs his sixth shot in an hour. Patton feels like he's suffocating. They used to be so happy, Virgil a little jumpy but would race down the street to grab the newest edition of the Doctor Who magazine that came out weekly. Roman an endless source of optimism with so many dreams for his life. All those dreams shattered on this run down town's pavement when high school taught Roman that being himself wasn't acceptable. And when they'd all turned to their outlets, it was always Patton that had to pick them up. 

6AM in the middle of the next city over, Patton gets a train to pick up Roman who is half passed out on the bench, unable to tell what his own name is. 3AM on a Tuesday, Patton clambers up bridge beams to talk down a Virgil who is hopped up on pills (only for the younger realize the next morning the only reason he was suicidal in the first place was that he'd taken too much). 1AM on the top of a hill, Patton has to bring Logan some food and drink after he smokes too much and passes out, barely able to stand by the time he comes around. Always the designated friend that wasn't too fucked up, that could actually help. 

 Patton sits in the secondhand smoke with a can of coke between cold fingertips, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. He was the only one left that got to actually see what is happening to them; and really does he blame them? Roman, who got thrown out of his own house now lives in Patton's spare bedroom because his parents found him playing tonsil tennis with another guy. Logan, whose parents could never truly accept that their son was autistic and sent him into a perpetual spiral of self-hatred, Virgil, who can barely sleep at night without the drugs and spends the rest of his life on the border of a panic attack. Patton knows he got lucky in the lottery of life, he's doing okay, his mental health isn't all that bad, his parents love him unconditionally and no one freaks out at him because he doesn't understand the way he thinks.

He got lucky. 

So lucky, in fact, that now he has to watch his friends suffer and give up his entire life to save them because it's the right thing to do. Even when he has to shove his fingers down Virgil's throat to stop him from overdosing on pain meds, even when he has to duck at a glass bottle being thrown at his head because Roman has drunk so much he can't even remember who he is, even when Logan is telling him that he wishes he were dead. No one ever apologizes or asks if he's okay. No one ever cares. And because he hopes they'll get better, he never asks for either.

So when it's Patton sat on the bridge, nursing a can of coke as he watches the city no one ever knows. No one's ever asked him if he's okay and he's never really asked himself either. He stares at the water and thinks the cold might look so enticing. He doesn't know who to call. 

In the end, he doesn't have to call anyone because he chose the one bridge that night that Virgil was already planning on climbing up and the two stare at each other and Virgil, for once, understands what it's like to be Patton. To have to talk your best friend down, to feel that fear and that pain. Patton's cold hands in Virgil's as he moves back to safety and the two hold onto each other like life itself is just too short and there's not enough time. 

A couple of years later, when they're turning into adults, Roman puts himself into rehab. It triggers a chain of events that end with Virgil talking to a real doctor and not a street dealer, starting on prescription medication that doesn't make him want to kill himself and helps him sleep. Logan moves out of his parent's house and he still smokes but it's not an everyday habit anymore, he takes his time again.

Six months after this chain of events starts, Logan appears at Patton's door with a cool rock he'd found. 

Virgil walks in with his laptop, talking about the new series of doctor who.

Roman starts work at the community theatre.

But Patton? Patton doesn't really know who he is anymore, he'd spent so long being a personal babysitter to his friends that he'd forgotten who he was. When they got to heal and move on, Patton didn't realize he'd had a personal addiction of his own; them. 

So in the end, maybe he wasn't the lucky one after all.

 


End file.
